Ode to My Mommy Peeps

If there's one thing you need as a new Mom, it's other Moms to commiserate and compare war stories with. Luckily, I work with three fabulous ladies who fit that bill. We have all had babies within one year of each other. Having the three of them to rely on to get through this whole becoming a Mommy thing while working full-time and juggling husbands and households has made all the difference in the world. Together we've been through morning sickness, pregnancy growing pains, labor, birth, breastfeeding, early AM feedings, etc, etc, not to mention the demands of full patient loads at our hospital. We've been puked on, peed on, come to work with snot on our shoulders and breast milk on our pants, cried in private and together, all while managing our self-inflicted guilt and missing our cute little munchkins we don't get to be with during the day. In short, let me just say--I could not survive this without them. Allow me to introduce the group.

This is Erin S. She's our resident Mommy-expert, as her darling daughter is the oldest of the group. (She also loves having her picture taken.) She's my go-to gal for questions like, "did your daughter sleep with her butt in the air too?" or "have you ever seen poop that color?" or "she hit her head kinda hard but she's acting normal so she's probably ok, right?" Not to mention the endless "how old was your daughter when she did ______?" questions. I've learned that I can save myself a lot of aggravation if before trying something new or different in my parenting duties I check with either my sister or Erin. Chances are they've done it first and can tell me what I'm about to do wrong. Erin is a gem and always, always has time for her friends--or anyone that needs something for that matter. She's a mommy pro and we're so lucky to have her with us forging the way ahead.

I was the next to roll through labor and delivery at our hospital and take home our Li'l Miss. Since Erin left her own office and joined our little cubicle group later, I was the first to perfect the use of the "cubicle cover." I swear we could market this thing. And what is it for? You guessed it--for pumping while sitting right in the middle of our busy nutrition office. One bed sheet, a little velcro and voila!--your own personal pumping station. We're pretty sure no one minds the soft "ree urr, ree urr, ree urr" noise throughout the day. We just had to make sure everyone in the office knew not to look over the top to seek out the source of the noise. Nursing and pumping day in and day out certainly has it's ups and downs, so it has been helpful to have so much support from each other in this regard--not to mention the smarty pants who came up with the cubicle cover idea in the first place--I think it was Kristin.

Kristin was the next to jump on our mommy bandwagon. She was the first to delve into boy territory with her cute little guy. That's her on the right, showing off her blue variety cubicle cover. (Oh, and they're not just for pumping these cubicle covers. They're mighty handy for a quick clothes change or a quick pout and cry at those times when it gets to you that work is tough and being with your kid on their worst day is probably more fun. ) Kristin's cutie is right behind Lil in the learning to eat realm, so we trade lots of stories about applesauce, bananas, and poop. (Sorry, we're Moms and dietitians so naturally you're going to hear about poop.) We also trade lots of "you do that too, ok good"moments. Kristin is so sweet and funny and always appropriately pleased at all the pictures I make her look at of Lil. Again, so lucky to have her around.

And finally we have Erin T., the last to round out the group and even things up with her cute boy. I think Kristin was a little relieved to have another boy in the group. There's just some things Mom's of girls don't know. Erin's on the left peeking over her fall-themed cubicle cover. Erin makes us happy that she's so happy to be a Mom. I was relieved the first time she came to me to show me the huge breast milk spill on her pants from pumping. I was glad I wasn't the only one who'd done it. She also makes me feel smart when she asks me baby questions, even though I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing. Erin keeps us laughing with all her impersonations of the sounds her little guy makes and it's so much fun to watch her make some of the same discoveries we made when our babies went through the same stages.

I truly love and appreciate these fine ladies and the huge support they are for me professionally and personally. I'm truly lucky to have them as friends. But, alas, some things must come to an end. We will sadly be seeing much less of Erin T as she is departing for part-time work at a sister hospital so she can spend more time at home. We are happy for her family, but sure are bummed out for our sakes. We will now be swapping stories over email or phone more often then over the top of cubicles. Our morning and afternoon pow-wows will just not be the same without Erin there, so we'll just have to find a differet venue I suppose. But let me just say to all of you, thank you. Thank you for your friendship, your supportive shoulders and for being the best cheering section and advice givers a Mom could ask for. I may be a mess, but I'd be even more of a mess without you!

5 guys, 2 bros, 1 lady and a baby

This past week we had a special visitor. My brother--the pilot (little family joke there) had an overnight layover in Dallas, so we got to head over to hang out with him one evening. We partook of a few 5 Guys burgers and fries (yum!!), may or may not have ambled over to the ice shop down the block, and shot the breeze for a few hours. It was darn hot and the streets smelled like cooked garbage, but good times were had by all. We're glad you came by Matthew, it was so fun to see you!


I'm pretty sure we made it home with Lillian's cute little skirt, she just didn't happen to be wearing it by the end of the night.

Yep that's me, the lamest blogger ever

Once upon a time I went on a vacation and didn't blog about it--like two months ago! Once again I can assure you that I write excellent blog postings in my head in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. Somehow they just never make it to the screen. And may I also say that I love and appreciate so much all my fellow blogger peeps, and yes I do blog-stalk your blogs without commenting because I'm too lazy to actually log in. Pathetic. Perhaps a shorter username is in order. Anyhoo, thanks for anyone who actually checks this darn thing and anyone who chooses to comment, even when I fail to reciprocate. Really, I'm just intimated by all of you and your wit and on-top-of-it-ness. I am somewhat underwhelming.

But--now for the update. Warning, this blog is semi-boring, but I feel the need to at least give a highlights update of sorts before moving on to more scintillating blog subjects.

Yes, all the way back in May, Lil and I took a trip up to Utah to see the family. It was oh so lovely. True to form, I took hardly any pictures to document the trip. We stayed with Jess and she was a wonderful hostess. She kept us fed and comfortable. Even with all the chaos those cute boys can create, I never fail to feel safe, comfortable, and at peace in her home and in her company. Oh how lucky I am to have such a sister. I shudder to think what life would be like without her, but I digress. Her boys of course couldn't get enough of Lil. She was the perfect toy--could keep them entertained for hours. I think she was quite fascinated with all the activity going on around her. It's a bit quieter at our house.

One highlight of the trip was taking Lil for her first swim. They have an awesome community pool right near their house that we all went to one evening. Of course, I don't have any pictures of Lil and I together, but with four busy boys and a baby to keep track of in the water, the three adults in attendance did not have enough hands to spare an extra set for much picture taking. Lil squealed with delight the whole time.


Jess and I also got to spend some time with by brothers. We had dinner a couple of times and had a big family dinner at Dad's one evening as well. I cherish the time we get to have all four of us together as, unfortunately, it doesn't happen all that often. We always have so much fun together. This was Jason and Matthew's first opportunity to meet Lil too.

(No picture, sheesh!)

We met up with our buddies Johnny and Randi and had lunch one rainy afternoon.


One night I also got to go to dinner with several old friends from high school, including my best bud Alicia. Here's me with Alicia and her cute baby bump. It turned out to be lucky timing because Alicia was in her last week in the U.S. before she and her husband left to move to Australia. It was fun to see everyone in their grownup lives and to hear all the old gossip from the Kaysville scene.


The week of course went by too fast and before we knew it we were back in the swing of things in Dallas.

As for the rest of the update, um, well I work. A lot. And Ian, he works too. A lot. We are never together enough, in fact we mostly see each other in passing, and we definitely don't get enough time with Lil. She is a true joy and I miss her every day I have to be away from her.

Oh the cuteness!
Our best news in recent weeks is that Lil is finally in the daycare at SMU. BIG YAY! She is now just a hop, skip and a jump away from Ian all day and the daycare is so good, it's almost as good as having a nanny. Big sigh of relief there for the next two years or so.

And last but not least Lil is starting to walk this week. Aaagh, we have a toddler on our hands! We've had a lot of laughs watching her try to keep her balance, and she laughs right along with us. Sigh, like I said, just not enough time with my favorite kid in the whole world.

Well enough of updates. Perhaps there will be something more interesting soon.

Happy 4th of July, Dudes

This is the sort of stuff that goes on when Mom has to go to work and Dad is in charge. Rockin the Red, White and Blue. Party on ya'll.

You'll just have to take our word for it

Yes, we did have a new dress for Lil this easter. But you'll just have to believe me that she looked really cute. There's just no sittin' still for this kid. I give you--action easter shots.

(Insert quippy title here)

Wow, I am so very tired. So tired, in fact, that I'm just going to do the Reader's Digest version. No, scratch that, just headlines and pictures.

Husband hurts back. A week of no improvement but economic research continues.



(sorry, no picture)




Wife tired. Work blah--misses baby.



(definitely no picture)

7-month old eats, crawls, and stands unassisted. And spits up. And poops a lot. And is really busy. Oh, and is the cutest thing ever.

Irish babe

First crawl at 6-months. Yikes! She lives now in constant mortal peril.




Hi




Don't worry, Mom. I got this.





You were done, right?

My Angel

I was looking back at some old posts and read the one about how I was waiting for the Lil' Pill to become my little angel. Well--the angel has arrived. Complete with wings.

"I will never do that when I have kids"

Tonight I was one of those people. I went to do my grocery shopping, unshowered and unmakuped with my baby in tow. She was in a mismatched outfit, with a crusty nose, spit-up on her shirt and carrots in her eyebrows. At least she was wearing socks. And pants.

At the store I was carrying her around in my baby carrier so she could look around at what's going on and babble at passers-by. And you know, she's starting to get kind of heavy. While I was going around a corner, I noticed some pretzels that I liked better than the bag I already had in my cart. And do you know what I did? I traded them, right then and there and put the other bag where it doesn't belong. I never do that! I hate being responsible for putting things where they don't belong. So sorry shelf-stocker people, the baby was heavy and it was getting very close to bed time.

I will add that the trip to the store actually ended very pleasantly. I never accept help from the baggers to take stuff to my car. I always feel so awkward and I have no talent for small talk. But while I was muscling stuff into my car, baby still on chest, some boys walked by and offered to put the heavy stuff in the car for me. How nice! I love nice people. And on the ride home Beethoven's 9th was on the radio. That put me in such a good mood that the impatient Dallas drivers only made me a little bit annoyed.

And now I'm home, the baby is carrot free and sleeping and my fridge is full. Happy day!

(Doesn't she look happy to be home? Just promise me you won't look too long or closely at this picture.)

Legacy

I miss my Mom. Pretty much every day. It's usually something a little different every day that I miss her for. Like yesterday for instance--it was one of those days when I feel like I'm lousy at pretty much everything and most people I know are really just pretending to actually like me (why do we tell ourselves such things anyway?). I really could have used a phone call to Mom so she could remind me how wonderful she thinks I am. Self-deprecations aside, however, I have been thinking a lot about Mom and the legacy she left us, her children. I told Mom before she passed away (perhaps a little selfishly) that I was terrified at the thought of raising children without her around. But though she's gone, she did leave us with a lifetime of lessons I can share with my own children.

One thing I have of hers that helps me keep her close and reminds me of the person she was is her silver ring.

Many of you may recognize it. She got it in Denmark when my oldest brother was just a baby. I never knew her to be without this ring. When I was younger I used to like to study Mom's hands. I remember sitting in church and I would look at her hands and rub my finger on the smooth surface of the silver. Her hands represented to me much of what she was. They were soft, gentle, and calming, and yet there was plain evidence on them that they worked hard. A callus here and there, or a little left over stain from working in the yard the day before. I love to look at the ring and think of what it's accomplished on those hands. The bottom of it is worn very smooth, and there are little scratches all over it. Each scratch gained individually over a lifetime of wearing it everywhere. Even the sound of the ring hitting a counter triggers a memory of Mom for me. Sometimes now, especially when I'm doing something for Lil, I see it through the corner of my eye and I like to think of Mom's hands doing something similar for me when I was a baby. It's a small token, but it helps me feel like she's close by and it helps me remember that what I know of love, patience, endurance, and tenacity, I learned first from her. Thank you, Mom, for the life and legacy you lived for your children. I love you.

"Sleep is for the Weak"

That's part of the title of a book my mother-in-law recently gave me--all about surviving as a working mom. Well, I guess I go in the "weak" category because I have succumbed to sleep in the last month instead of updating my blog. It occurs to me that November was national blogging month and I failed to produce even a single blog. Shameful! And when I have pictures like this to post too!

I haven't even been blog stalking, much less commenting on all the blogs of my wonderful blogging buddies and fam. I don't suppose I can count all the blogs I've written in my head over the last month and a half? No? Okay, well I'm going to sit here and eat sour gummy worms and try to turn them all into one big super blog. First, more pictures. That's all anyone really wants to see anyway, right?

I think Lil thinks sleep is for the weak as well. She was sleeping through a very large chunk of the night up until I went back to work. Now she's getting up again smack dab in the middle of the night and again early in the morning. I think she must figure, "well Mom doesn't get to see me all day, I'll bet she'll want some more bonding time around 1:30 AM. Aren't you glad to see me Mom?" Well who wouldn't want to see more of this face?

Ok, so work. I guess hate would be a strong word, but I can't say I'm completely happy to be going to work every morning. Of course I love seeing my friends that I work with and all that running around a hospital has helped me shed a few more baby pounds, but man I sure do miss my Lil' Miss. It seems so wrong that I leave her for so much of the day so often and let other people care for her and play with her and teach her things. Well I guess it's Dad right now since he's on break from school, so that's not so bad, but starting in January it will be strangers doing the job I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like one of those people that buys a dog because the idea of it seems cool, but then they put it in a kennel in the backyard and barely see it and just let it bark at the neighbors all day long. Perhaps that's not the greatest analogy, but still, how can it ever be okay that I will miss so much of the first few years of my daughter's life? I should say that I remain grateful that Ian has the opportunity to finally get his PhD and I would never say I regret the changes in our life that mean I need to keep working so he can be back in school. I am happy to contribute to what will hopefully be a more secure and fulfilling future for our family, but I do also hope that it won't be too too long before my financial contributions will be of less importance--oh, and that my daughter will still like me better than the ladies at her daycare.

Speaking of daycare, what a nightmare that has been to find! We had a home daycare all set up and then it fell through two days before I went back to work. We've been on a mad dash since trying to find a new one that doesn't have a year long waiting list. That is no easy feat, believe me. I think we finally found one, but it is very much out of our way, so that means we have lots of driving and long days in our future. Poor Lil is going to have longer days then I am and I will get to be with her just in time for the evening fussies then bedtime. Oh a little bit of my heart breaks off every day thinking of all this, but it is our reality, so I will try to dwell on it less. I'm certainly not the first or only person that has to deal with these challenges, so we will make the best of it.

We owe a very big thank you to Ian's mom who just left us after a couple of weeks of playing nanny to bridge the gap between me going back to work and Ian finishing his fall semester. She's a true pro in baby world and I'm pretty sure Lil finds me very boring now. She was so incredibly helpful and I'm so grateful that she sacrificed her time for us. Of course, being Grandma can be kind of fun too though. Thank you, Cindy, again and again.

So now Ian's done for a month (hallelujah!) and playing Mr. Mom and I'm off to work every day. That pretty much sums it up for now. I have done virtually nothing to prepare for Christmas, but it will be here before we know it. I look forward to having a long weekend with family and time to think about the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for His life and for my incredible family and good friends that do so much for me. I don't deserve them but I'm glad they don't know that. I hope you all have a joyful and restful holiday. Merry Christmas!

Halloween Greetings

I Heart Prevacid

That's the title of the post I've been planning to write for the past week. It was all about how the prevacid (anti-reflux medicine) that our pediatrician prescribed last week all of the sudden turned my baby into the angel child I know is in there somewhere. How it made her cry much less and actually eat for longer than five minutes before she started screaming. The doctor, darn him, didn't seem real optimistic that it would work (my baby have colic?! Certainly not!). He said give it a week and if things really were better, then go ahead and continue it. I so wanted to prove to him that I knew what was wrong with my child better than he did.

So...is it working? Honestly, I really can't say. Things do seem to be better, but I'm not sure whether its from the med, or just that she's growing and that we have come to a better understanding between the two of us. She does seem to be crying a lot less and now she eats for 10 minutes before she starts screaming. I've been reading that some experts don't think anti-reflux medicine does much for infants and it has not been well studied in infants younger than one. I'm tempted to take her off of it again and see if there really is a difference. The only problem is that if it really is working that will mean she will get worse--again. Hmm. Oh the dilemmas of motherhood.

Take this dilemma for instance. You're in the shower, you've got one leg shaved, and the baby starts screaming from her crib. Do you hurry and shave the other leg or do you give it up for a lost cause and run to the baby?

I shaved the other leg.

You may well ask why I am even bothering to shave occasionally (sorry, I've suddenly realized I've gone on and on about shaving on my blog. This is a new low.). Well it's all a part of my ruse to make myself feel like a normal woman again. I find it easier to enjoy my now not so swollen ankles if they are not really hairy.

Speaking of feeling normal, I've been thinking about how I have to face going back to work soon. I am so dreading this hurdle. One, because it's, well, work. But most of all because no one should get to spend the whole day with my baby but Ian or I. Oh the thought just hurts. Yesterday I was thinking how it still kind of feels like I'm playing house, but then next month I will have to go back to work and back to normal life again and I will have to give my sweet baby back. Luckily, life won't get back to that particular normal (i.e. I get to keep the baby). Once again, we'll just have to figure out a new normal. Thinking about all this makes me very tired. Enough about normalcy.

So lest I give the wrong impression, it's not all crying and fussing around here. Enjoy her smiles...I sure do.



P.S. What's everyone making for dinner tonight? I seriously need ideas.

Retraction

Yesterday may have been a fluke.

Yep.

Definitely a fluke.

I am Mother, Hear Me Roar

My cute daughter that cries all of the time has suddenly become much more agreeable as of yesterday. Now let's hear some knocking on wood from all across the country and pray that yesterday was not a fluke!

Yesterday was a big one. Li'L Miss and I went for a walk, then went to the post office, Party City, AND Target. Stand back everyone, I've left the apartment and I'm on a role! I even bought a pair of jeans. Not cute, skinny jeans of course, but they're certainly a step up from sweats. The waist of said jeans is way higher than is strictly decent in my opinion, but at least my belly isn't bulging over the top of them like it would be with my more typical low-rise variety. I hope I remember to do up my fly--it's been a while.

To Know One's Self

It's difficult to believe it's already been a whole month since the two of us became three. With lots of nursing and rocking to sleep going on, there has certainly been some time for reflection. Being able to add "Mom" to my list of titles is without doubt the greatest joy of my life, but I do have to say that the last month has been, in a word---hard. There's quite a long list of things that make this transition hard, including an overwhelming sense of having no idea what I'm doing and feeling very cut off from society, though that is getting slowly better.

The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.

Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?


If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.

Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.

Surviving Two Weeks and a Sponge Bath

Well Li'l Miss is two weeks and 3 days old and since I am still cognizant of my surroundings and she is already almost a pound over her birth weight, I must conclude that we are surviving okay. As of this morning, she has already outgrown two of her newborn sleepers. They only stay curled up and with their little chicken legs for so long. Sigh. There is a little tear in the corner of my eye.

We have even survived her first, actually thorough, sponge bath.

While this tends to be a big first among a baby's milestones, I think it's a bigger one for Mom. I actually managed to get her clean, smelling good, and dressed again without causing her any bodily harm. Okay, so Grandma helped, but still, I'm all for little victories at this point. I may even shower today. Maybe. Or maybe tomorrow.

Our Long-Awaited Arrival

Alrighty, so a big thanks to Ian for keeping things updated until I could get around to actually posting something. Oh how I love that guy. This experience does not come close I'm sure to anything he's had to endure in the past, but it's certainly not a competition so I will just be grateful for his sweet comments and move on.

So here's the long and nitty gritty detail of the past week or so. Not that you really want to read it, but it's more for me anyway so here it goes. Things did not turn out much like my visions for the perfect birth story I was hoping for, but there has been such a multitude of tender mercies from the Lord through the whole thing that all I can feel at this point is gratitude. Mostly I'm grateful for the people I believe God put in my path and that made all the difference in things turning out okay in the end. And of course, oh how grateful I am for my dear husband Ian and my sweet sister Jessica.

First let me explain what I was hoping for with the birth of Lillian. I had originally hoped for a natural birth experience meaning no inducement and little or no intervention. I had chosen a doctor and hospital that were supportive of that decision. Ian and I attended a natural childbirth class and we hired a doula, Christine, several weeks before my due date for support and coaching through labor.

Heading up to my due date the baby was looking fine, but I was not dilating at all and the baby was not dropping at all. On my due date, Wednesday, Sept 1st, I had a doctor's appointment and they did a sonogram. I was still not dilated and according to the sono, my amniotic fluid level was dropping. My doctor said we were still okay to keep waiting, but that if it dropped more, I would need to be induced. With that in mind, she wanted to start giving me medication to encourage dilation. So on that Friday, the 3rd, I went into the hospital for several hours and had "cervical ripening." After they gave me the medication I had to stay on the fetal monitor for several hours to make sure the baby was okay and that I wasn't going into labor (fat chance). It was super fun; Ian especially enjoyed sitting there with me for five hours staring at a fetal monitor. I went in again for the same thing the next Monday morning. Again, super fun. Oh, and still not dilated at this point.

Finally late Monday night, I started having some contractions. (Hallelujah, bring on the pain!) I had sporadic contractions all that night. I had semi-regular contractions all through the day on Tuesday (Sept 7th). They were anywhere from 15 to 7 minutes apart at times. I thought we were really getting somewhere now! Late that afternoon I had another doctor's appointment. We did a sonogram again then exam with the doctor. And the big news was......barely 1 cm dilated. Aaaargh! Bad news was my amniotic fluid had dropped further and was getting close to the point where they would want to induce anyway. So we went through the options with the doctor and we all were in agreement that I would go to the hospital that night for more ripening and just stay there. Then if I wasn't already laboring by morning they would officially induce me. So we went home to get ready, oh and quickly resign our apartment lease. The leasing office employee must have wondered why I was not in a very talkative mood. Those contractions will get ya you know.

While we were still at home I had a good dinner since I knew I wouldn't be eating again for a while (I thought while I was eating that I may learn to regret this....which I did). I also had Ian give me a blessing. It was a very special blessing and became a great source of comfort to me through the next two days. We left for the hospital and checked in around 9:00 that night. We decided to wait on calling the doula in until we knew whether things would really get going that night or not.

I got all checked in in my labor and delivery room and they placed the cervical ripening medication. I would have to stay on the fetal monitor all through the night since the ripening agent would stay in place until 8:00 the next morning. It wasn't long before the contractions really picked up. The nurse tried giving me Ambien and oral pain medication so that I would be able to rest for the night, but they didn't do a whole heck of a lot and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I was unable to relieve the discomfort with things we had talked about in our class since I had to stay in bed. By the early morning hours I was really starting to work hard so we decided to call in our doula, Christine. That's about when I lost most of my dinner Ian had so lovingly made for me. He also so lovingly held my hair out of the way and cleaned up said dinner for me. Then Christine finally arrived which was a big relief!

Christine helped me out of bed and onto an exercise ball where I could sit in more comfort but still be on the fetal monitors. She rubbed my back and coached me through each contraction. All through the early morning I had contractions that were close together and long! By 8:00 on Wednesday morning my contractions were lasting 10 minutes sometimes with several peaks. I wasn't sure I was going to make it at that point. Finally my new nurse for the day (Karen--who was super awesome) came in to remove the medication. That made things go back to a more normal pattern of contractions. And the good news was I was up to 3 cm! They would not need to induce me and I could continue to labor on my own.

So I labored through the day, mostly sitting in a rocking chair or walking the halls, with Ian to lean on and Christine and Karen coaching me to relax and breath through each contraction. At some point I tried to freshen up a little and lost whatever was left in my stomach, but all in all I was handling things okay. By midday I was making slow but sure progress, but since I had been sick, they decided to give me a little IV fluid. I had to stay in the room for a while to get the liter of fluid. That's about when who should come walking through the door but my dear sister Jessica, straight from the airport. How how happy I was to see her! She brought that extra dose of love and cheer into the room that she always brings with her. After the fluid, I was up again walking the halls to try to get things going. The contractions had slowed down somewhat, so I was trying to stay upright as much as possible. The nurse would check the baby's heart rate periodically, and on one check the rate dropped lower than they like. There were no further incidents, however, so they let me keep walking around. Around 5 or so in the evening my doctor arrived from her office and checked my progress. I was only up to a "big 6, a 7 when I was contracting." That was so discouraging! I so wanted my nurse Karen to be the one helping me push this baby out!

On a little side note, I have to mention that during this time (Wednesday evening) six tornadoes were touching down in the Dallas metroplex area. Part of labor and delivery had to be evacuated. Thankfully we didn't have to move because there were no windows in our room. Remember the Utah tornado? It touched down the day after our wedding. Now six tornadoes the night before Lillian was born. Weird.

So anyway, after that evening check, the doctor strongly suggested starting some pitocin to get things moving again since my contractions were still farther apart than they should have been. They started me on a very low dose and assured me that it should not make things more painful then they would have been anyway approaching this stage of labor. The bummer was I was now again stuck to the fetal monitors continuously. By this time, my new nurse, Heidi, (who was also heaven-sent) had taken over my care. The contractions finally started to pick back up again. During one contraction, my doula had me lay back and onto my side and asked me to take big breaths. I soon learned why when the nurse and doctor came running back into the room. The baby's heart rate had dropped again. They had me stay on my side and I had to wear an oxygen mask. The doctor said the baby wasn't tolerating the stronger contractions with the pitocin. They turned it off again, then started it back again slowly, increasing the rate ever so slightly about every half hour or so. With each increase, the nurse would have me turn to the other side, but that's the only movement I was allowed. The baby's heart rate dropped a couple more times, but came back up quickly.

At this point, late in the evening of Wednesday, I was exhausted, unable to move, on oxygen, and was very tired of this whole contraction thing. I finally decided I had had enough. I remember very vividly Jessica holding my hand and leaning over me. The doctor and Ian were at the foot of my bed. I whispered to Jess that I didn't want to do anymore. I was finally ready for some pain relief. Ian leaned over my other side and told me I had nothing to prove to anyone and it was okay to be done. Even my doula said I had worked hard for a long time and it was time to be able to relax. So I asked for the epidural. I think the doctor was relieved with my decision. My doctor was a real trooper through this. She wanted to give me every chance she could to not be induced and to go natural, even though all this made her stay for a much longer night than perhaps would have been the case. I'm very grateful to her. So anyhoo, finally the anesthesiologist arrived and quickly administered the epidural. It felt so very weird, but I finally was able to relax. This also allowed them to really crank up the pitocin to see if things would finally progress.

They continued to ramp up the pitocin and turn me every half hour or so. I was in a bit of a blur at this point. Finally around midnight the doctor came in to check me again. I was still only 7 cm dilated. The doctor said we had come to the end. We needed to get the baby out. So we decided to move forward with the c-section. They came in to turn up my epidural and prep me for surgery, and Ian got into his cute OR scrubs and hat.

(Ian trying to look convincing as an MD.)

Then they wheeled me into the OR.


What a strange and surreal experience! Mostly I remember shaking uncontrollably through the whole thing because of the epidural. Ian sat by my head until curiosity got the better of him and he stood up to watch the progress of the surgery.

Finally, a little after 1 am she was out. She needed a lot of cleaning and suctioning because there was meconium staining, but she was declared well and healthy and was soon in Ian's arms. The longest part of everything was sewing me back up. At long last we were done though and they put her in my arms and wheeled me into recovery where I got to snuggle her and really look at her for the first time. Oh how long I had waited to have a sweet baby in my arms! I was so very tired and couldn't believe I was actually holding my own baby in my arms. It had certainly been a long few days, and things didn't turn out anything like I had imagined, but I was just so grateful to have a sweet healthy baby and was touched by the compassion and good service of my nurses, doctor, and anesthetists. I felt nothing but gratitude and felt content in the decisions we had made throughout the process.

Lillian and me in recovery

So the rest of Thursday continued to be long and frustrating, full of trying to walk, trying to eat (still not going so well) and trying to breastfeed (also not going so well), but by Friday, Lillian and I were both doing better and were both finally able to eat and rest. The rest of our hospital stay was uneventful and we continued to improve. It was actually kind of nice to hang out in our own little cocoon with Ian and Jess for company and nice nurses checking in on us from time to time.



But reality must intrude!

Now we are home managing feeding, diapers, not so much sleeping, and of course those ever changing hormones. It's only taken me a week to write this, I really can't imagine how I will ever actually manage to leave my apartment again, and I ache to have my sister living next door, but I'm sure things will get easier.

Right?

Well there you have it, in much more detail than you wanted I'm sure. Thanks to anyone who actually read this ridiculously long post the whole way through. Our adventure continues!

More Lillian Pics

Lillian Ruth: Born 9/9/10 at 1:27A

This is Ian posting on behalf of my far tougher, stronger, insane, better half as she is still unable to spare any of the two busy hands needed to type this.

The story is long but I will be brief as I have no right as a man to even pretend like I understand the events that have transpired over these past few days. In fact, there are really only three things I know for sure. One, I really am lucky to carry the XY chromosomal pairing. Two, my wife could end my life if she ever so pleased; after what I witnessed, I will never cross that woman. And finally, I don't deserve such perfections.

Here are a few pics (and the obvious stats), with more to come as things settle down.

Stats: 7 lbs, 10 oz, 21" long.