It's difficult to believe it's already been a whole month since the two of us became three. With lots of nursing and rocking to sleep going on, there has certainly been some time for reflection. Being able to add "Mom" to my list of titles is without doubt the greatest joy of my life, but I do have to say that the last month has been, in a word---hard. There's quite a long list of things that make this transition hard, including an overwhelming sense of having no idea what I'm doing and feeling very cut off from society, though that is getting slowly better.
The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.
Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?
If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.
Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.
The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.
Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?
If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.
Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.
14 comments:
I miss you guys so much. Love you Megs. Give that little niece if mine the best love ever from me. I loved reading about how you feel. I wish I was there to shop with you for those clothes you will wear for only a few months. I know exactly what you mean. I have the same feelings right now. I miss you guys, the family and the new me well..not so sure yet but it sure would be easier being the new me with you and Ian around :) and Miss Lillian of course. Love you guys!!
The new you is still the old you...a wife, daughter, sister, friend. She is funny and kind, earnest and genuine. And the new you? The new you is a superhero, a fixer of problems, a giver of hugs, a healer of boo-boos, a wiper of noses, a maker of beds, a giver of advice, a source of strength, a fountain of wisdom, a supply of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, a maker of costumes, projects, and cupcakes, a reader of stories, a washer of hair, a comedian, magician, author, poet, and songwriter. The new you will leave the house again one day, well rested and wearing her skinny jeans. The new you is AMAZING and so good heavens, of course the old you is a little intimidated to meet her! Give it time and the new you will feel like just "you." xoxo
What you are going through does not sound strange. Staying at home with the kid is an interesting job and drastic role change. You are a great mom, and your kid is beautiful.
I like to imagine myself down the road a ways after having a baby. Because down the road I feel more myself, more capable, thinner, and more mentally present. This funky phase is temporary. Plus this has got to be shocking to your system after years of being a fast-talking career gal...ok, I just like saying fast-talking career gal. You probably talked at a normal pace.
She's adorable, and judging how good you looked at the end of your pregnancy, I bet you look awesome, no qualifiers. You're your own worst critic. And you're not shallow for caring. It does a number, doesn't it?
Honey, I have 61 years behind me and my "new life" includes elastic waistbands and shoes that don't fit, feet and a back that kill me all the time, and. . .I look pregnant and I am not. Be happy with your new life, there's a lot more around the corner and it's not all peachy, it is relative. I may look and feel this way but I have had a full life, as you will. Carpe diem, Seize the day!
Those are some wonderful comments. I just have to say... hear hear - you are wonderful!
Yes... sounds lke you just had a baby! All of those feelings are rather familiar. However, you adjust to the fact that some days you are lucky just to keep the munchkin alive and avoid having the police show up with a "clean it or else" order.
It's all so worth it, though (ok...not so sure about the Mom-bod. I didn't have much to brag about anyway and now even that little bit is gone), when you look into the face of your beautiful little one.
And she certainly is beautiful!!
CongratulationS!!
Oh - that was me, Beckie, from college. Not sure you know my blogger ID.
You put it all so well on the page there! There is always that feeling of not-quite-rightness after major changes. You have to just be patient and give your mind time to grasp the new situation, deal with it, and accept it into normalicy. You are not shallow for feeling frustrated with the clothes thing. For me, who is someone who has alwasy struggled with feeling over-weight, it is a really hard thing. Just remember it took 9 months to put it all on, so don't get frustrated with it taking longer than you want to get back to normal. You will, I promise. I miss you lots and lots. I wish so much you, myself and mom could go out to lunch with the kiddies. I imagine she would be loving every minute of it. I know she gave Lillian a big snuggle before she came to you. Remember, mom promised that is what she would do to all her grandchildren that were yet to come. That thought makes me happy. Love you.
AND, now I have go get ready for scouts....grrrr indeed.
Becoming a Mom makes you dumber in a lot of ways but it also makes you a whole heck of a lot wiser too. You are so right and smart about it all. And your baby really IS adorable, very very much so. I wish I lived closer to all my wonderful cousins so that I could see them as grown ups and parents. I like you guys.
Em, I've been thinking the same thing about seeing everyone in their lives now. I like all us guys too. We have such a cool cool family
I am late getting to the comments-- I need to keep up!!! All I can say is "AMEN" sista! I totally agree and have felt that very same way, and still do (especially the unattractive part!!) You put it very well. You are totally normal and wonderful, and that gal of yours is absolutely beautiful.
Everyone who has ever had a baby can relate to what you said so well. It changes everything and it is a big adjustment. Luckily, the physical changes do gradually return pretty much to normal, whatever that is. Just be patient. I think I already told you that I warn my girls that the first month is pretty much the month from H-E-double toothpicks! I think you and everyone else is going to love the new Mommy Megan! Oh how I wish I could meet Lillian!
I haven't gotten over the feeling unattractive thing. It would help if I ever had time to do both my hair and makeup. Or exercise. Seriously, not trying to be demanding, but self-care is sadly lacking, even a year out.
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