Legacy

I miss my Mom. Pretty much every day. It's usually something a little different every day that I miss her for. Like yesterday for instance--it was one of those days when I feel like I'm lousy at pretty much everything and most people I know are really just pretending to actually like me (why do we tell ourselves such things anyway?). I really could have used a phone call to Mom so she could remind me how wonderful she thinks I am. Self-deprecations aside, however, I have been thinking a lot about Mom and the legacy she left us, her children. I told Mom before she passed away (perhaps a little selfishly) that I was terrified at the thought of raising children without her around. But though she's gone, she did leave us with a lifetime of lessons I can share with my own children.

One thing I have of hers that helps me keep her close and reminds me of the person she was is her silver ring.

Many of you may recognize it. She got it in Denmark when my oldest brother was just a baby. I never knew her to be without this ring. When I was younger I used to like to study Mom's hands. I remember sitting in church and I would look at her hands and rub my finger on the smooth surface of the silver. Her hands represented to me much of what she was. They were soft, gentle, and calming, and yet there was plain evidence on them that they worked hard. A callus here and there, or a little left over stain from working in the yard the day before. I love to look at the ring and think of what it's accomplished on those hands. The bottom of it is worn very smooth, and there are little scratches all over it. Each scratch gained individually over a lifetime of wearing it everywhere. Even the sound of the ring hitting a counter triggers a memory of Mom for me. Sometimes now, especially when I'm doing something for Lil, I see it through the corner of my eye and I like to think of Mom's hands doing something similar for me when I was a baby. It's a small token, but it helps me feel like she's close by and it helps me remember that what I know of love, patience, endurance, and tenacity, I learned first from her. Thank you, Mom, for the life and legacy you lived for your children. I love you.

"Sleep is for the Weak"

That's part of the title of a book my mother-in-law recently gave me--all about surviving as a working mom. Well, I guess I go in the "weak" category because I have succumbed to sleep in the last month instead of updating my blog. It occurs to me that November was national blogging month and I failed to produce even a single blog. Shameful! And when I have pictures like this to post too!

I haven't even been blog stalking, much less commenting on all the blogs of my wonderful blogging buddies and fam. I don't suppose I can count all the blogs I've written in my head over the last month and a half? No? Okay, well I'm going to sit here and eat sour gummy worms and try to turn them all into one big super blog. First, more pictures. That's all anyone really wants to see anyway, right?

I think Lil thinks sleep is for the weak as well. She was sleeping through a very large chunk of the night up until I went back to work. Now she's getting up again smack dab in the middle of the night and again early in the morning. I think she must figure, "well Mom doesn't get to see me all day, I'll bet she'll want some more bonding time around 1:30 AM. Aren't you glad to see me Mom?" Well who wouldn't want to see more of this face?

Ok, so work. I guess hate would be a strong word, but I can't say I'm completely happy to be going to work every morning. Of course I love seeing my friends that I work with and all that running around a hospital has helped me shed a few more baby pounds, but man I sure do miss my Lil' Miss. It seems so wrong that I leave her for so much of the day so often and let other people care for her and play with her and teach her things. Well I guess it's Dad right now since he's on break from school, so that's not so bad, but starting in January it will be strangers doing the job I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like one of those people that buys a dog because the idea of it seems cool, but then they put it in a kennel in the backyard and barely see it and just let it bark at the neighbors all day long. Perhaps that's not the greatest analogy, but still, how can it ever be okay that I will miss so much of the first few years of my daughter's life? I should say that I remain grateful that Ian has the opportunity to finally get his PhD and I would never say I regret the changes in our life that mean I need to keep working so he can be back in school. I am happy to contribute to what will hopefully be a more secure and fulfilling future for our family, but I do also hope that it won't be too too long before my financial contributions will be of less importance--oh, and that my daughter will still like me better than the ladies at her daycare.

Speaking of daycare, what a nightmare that has been to find! We had a home daycare all set up and then it fell through two days before I went back to work. We've been on a mad dash since trying to find a new one that doesn't have a year long waiting list. That is no easy feat, believe me. I think we finally found one, but it is very much out of our way, so that means we have lots of driving and long days in our future. Poor Lil is going to have longer days then I am and I will get to be with her just in time for the evening fussies then bedtime. Oh a little bit of my heart breaks off every day thinking of all this, but it is our reality, so I will try to dwell on it less. I'm certainly not the first or only person that has to deal with these challenges, so we will make the best of it.

We owe a very big thank you to Ian's mom who just left us after a couple of weeks of playing nanny to bridge the gap between me going back to work and Ian finishing his fall semester. She's a true pro in baby world and I'm pretty sure Lil finds me very boring now. She was so incredibly helpful and I'm so grateful that she sacrificed her time for us. Of course, being Grandma can be kind of fun too though. Thank you, Cindy, again and again.

So now Ian's done for a month (hallelujah!) and playing Mr. Mom and I'm off to work every day. That pretty much sums it up for now. I have done virtually nothing to prepare for Christmas, but it will be here before we know it. I look forward to having a long weekend with family and time to think about the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. How grateful I am for His life and for my incredible family and good friends that do so much for me. I don't deserve them but I'm glad they don't know that. I hope you all have a joyful and restful holiday. Merry Christmas!

Halloween Greetings

I Heart Prevacid

That's the title of the post I've been planning to write for the past week. It was all about how the prevacid (anti-reflux medicine) that our pediatrician prescribed last week all of the sudden turned my baby into the angel child I know is in there somewhere. How it made her cry much less and actually eat for longer than five minutes before she started screaming. The doctor, darn him, didn't seem real optimistic that it would work (my baby have colic?! Certainly not!). He said give it a week and if things really were better, then go ahead and continue it. I so wanted to prove to him that I knew what was wrong with my child better than he did.

So...is it working? Honestly, I really can't say. Things do seem to be better, but I'm not sure whether its from the med, or just that she's growing and that we have come to a better understanding between the two of us. She does seem to be crying a lot less and now she eats for 10 minutes before she starts screaming. I've been reading that some experts don't think anti-reflux medicine does much for infants and it has not been well studied in infants younger than one. I'm tempted to take her off of it again and see if there really is a difference. The only problem is that if it really is working that will mean she will get worse--again. Hmm. Oh the dilemmas of motherhood.

Take this dilemma for instance. You're in the shower, you've got one leg shaved, and the baby starts screaming from her crib. Do you hurry and shave the other leg or do you give it up for a lost cause and run to the baby?

I shaved the other leg.

You may well ask why I am even bothering to shave occasionally (sorry, I've suddenly realized I've gone on and on about shaving on my blog. This is a new low.). Well it's all a part of my ruse to make myself feel like a normal woman again. I find it easier to enjoy my now not so swollen ankles if they are not really hairy.

Speaking of feeling normal, I've been thinking about how I have to face going back to work soon. I am so dreading this hurdle. One, because it's, well, work. But most of all because no one should get to spend the whole day with my baby but Ian or I. Oh the thought just hurts. Yesterday I was thinking how it still kind of feels like I'm playing house, but then next month I will have to go back to work and back to normal life again and I will have to give my sweet baby back. Luckily, life won't get back to that particular normal (i.e. I get to keep the baby). Once again, we'll just have to figure out a new normal. Thinking about all this makes me very tired. Enough about normalcy.

So lest I give the wrong impression, it's not all crying and fussing around here. Enjoy her smiles...I sure do.



P.S. What's everyone making for dinner tonight? I seriously need ideas.

Retraction

Yesterday may have been a fluke.

Yep.

Definitely a fluke.

I am Mother, Hear Me Roar

My cute daughter that cries all of the time has suddenly become much more agreeable as of yesterday. Now let's hear some knocking on wood from all across the country and pray that yesterday was not a fluke!

Yesterday was a big one. Li'L Miss and I went for a walk, then went to the post office, Party City, AND Target. Stand back everyone, I've left the apartment and I'm on a role! I even bought a pair of jeans. Not cute, skinny jeans of course, but they're certainly a step up from sweats. The waist of said jeans is way higher than is strictly decent in my opinion, but at least my belly isn't bulging over the top of them like it would be with my more typical low-rise variety. I hope I remember to do up my fly--it's been a while.

To Know One's Self

It's difficult to believe it's already been a whole month since the two of us became three. With lots of nursing and rocking to sleep going on, there has certainly been some time for reflection. Being able to add "Mom" to my list of titles is without doubt the greatest joy of my life, but I do have to say that the last month has been, in a word---hard. There's quite a long list of things that make this transition hard, including an overwhelming sense of having no idea what I'm doing and feeling very cut off from society, though that is getting slowly better.

The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.

Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?


If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.

Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.