To Know One's Self

It's difficult to believe it's already been a whole month since the two of us became three. With lots of nursing and rocking to sleep going on, there has certainly been some time for reflection. Being able to add "Mom" to my list of titles is without doubt the greatest joy of my life, but I do have to say that the last month has been, in a word---hard. There's quite a long list of things that make this transition hard, including an overwhelming sense of having no idea what I'm doing and feeling very cut off from society, though that is getting slowly better.

The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.

Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?


If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.

Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.

Surviving Two Weeks and a Sponge Bath

Well Li'l Miss is two weeks and 3 days old and since I am still cognizant of my surroundings and she is already almost a pound over her birth weight, I must conclude that we are surviving okay. As of this morning, she has already outgrown two of her newborn sleepers. They only stay curled up and with their little chicken legs for so long. Sigh. There is a little tear in the corner of my eye.

We have even survived her first, actually thorough, sponge bath.

While this tends to be a big first among a baby's milestones, I think it's a bigger one for Mom. I actually managed to get her clean, smelling good, and dressed again without causing her any bodily harm. Okay, so Grandma helped, but still, I'm all for little victories at this point. I may even shower today. Maybe. Or maybe tomorrow.

Our Long-Awaited Arrival

Alrighty, so a big thanks to Ian for keeping things updated until I could get around to actually posting something. Oh how I love that guy. This experience does not come close I'm sure to anything he's had to endure in the past, but it's certainly not a competition so I will just be grateful for his sweet comments and move on.

So here's the long and nitty gritty detail of the past week or so. Not that you really want to read it, but it's more for me anyway so here it goes. Things did not turn out much like my visions for the perfect birth story I was hoping for, but there has been such a multitude of tender mercies from the Lord through the whole thing that all I can feel at this point is gratitude. Mostly I'm grateful for the people I believe God put in my path and that made all the difference in things turning out okay in the end. And of course, oh how grateful I am for my dear husband Ian and my sweet sister Jessica.

First let me explain what I was hoping for with the birth of Lillian. I had originally hoped for a natural birth experience meaning no inducement and little or no intervention. I had chosen a doctor and hospital that were supportive of that decision. Ian and I attended a natural childbirth class and we hired a doula, Christine, several weeks before my due date for support and coaching through labor.

Heading up to my due date the baby was looking fine, but I was not dilating at all and the baby was not dropping at all. On my due date, Wednesday, Sept 1st, I had a doctor's appointment and they did a sonogram. I was still not dilated and according to the sono, my amniotic fluid level was dropping. My doctor said we were still okay to keep waiting, but that if it dropped more, I would need to be induced. With that in mind, she wanted to start giving me medication to encourage dilation. So on that Friday, the 3rd, I went into the hospital for several hours and had "cervical ripening." After they gave me the medication I had to stay on the fetal monitor for several hours to make sure the baby was okay and that I wasn't going into labor (fat chance). It was super fun; Ian especially enjoyed sitting there with me for five hours staring at a fetal monitor. I went in again for the same thing the next Monday morning. Again, super fun. Oh, and still not dilated at this point.

Finally late Monday night, I started having some contractions. (Hallelujah, bring on the pain!) I had sporadic contractions all that night. I had semi-regular contractions all through the day on Tuesday (Sept 7th). They were anywhere from 15 to 7 minutes apart at times. I thought we were really getting somewhere now! Late that afternoon I had another doctor's appointment. We did a sonogram again then exam with the doctor. And the big news was......barely 1 cm dilated. Aaaargh! Bad news was my amniotic fluid had dropped further and was getting close to the point where they would want to induce anyway. So we went through the options with the doctor and we all were in agreement that I would go to the hospital that night for more ripening and just stay there. Then if I wasn't already laboring by morning they would officially induce me. So we went home to get ready, oh and quickly resign our apartment lease. The leasing office employee must have wondered why I was not in a very talkative mood. Those contractions will get ya you know.

While we were still at home I had a good dinner since I knew I wouldn't be eating again for a while (I thought while I was eating that I may learn to regret this....which I did). I also had Ian give me a blessing. It was a very special blessing and became a great source of comfort to me through the next two days. We left for the hospital and checked in around 9:00 that night. We decided to wait on calling the doula in until we knew whether things would really get going that night or not.

I got all checked in in my labor and delivery room and they placed the cervical ripening medication. I would have to stay on the fetal monitor all through the night since the ripening agent would stay in place until 8:00 the next morning. It wasn't long before the contractions really picked up. The nurse tried giving me Ambien and oral pain medication so that I would be able to rest for the night, but they didn't do a whole heck of a lot and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I was unable to relieve the discomfort with things we had talked about in our class since I had to stay in bed. By the early morning hours I was really starting to work hard so we decided to call in our doula, Christine. That's about when I lost most of my dinner Ian had so lovingly made for me. He also so lovingly held my hair out of the way and cleaned up said dinner for me. Then Christine finally arrived which was a big relief!

Christine helped me out of bed and onto an exercise ball where I could sit in more comfort but still be on the fetal monitors. She rubbed my back and coached me through each contraction. All through the early morning I had contractions that were close together and long! By 8:00 on Wednesday morning my contractions were lasting 10 minutes sometimes with several peaks. I wasn't sure I was going to make it at that point. Finally my new nurse for the day (Karen--who was super awesome) came in to remove the medication. That made things go back to a more normal pattern of contractions. And the good news was I was up to 3 cm! They would not need to induce me and I could continue to labor on my own.

So I labored through the day, mostly sitting in a rocking chair or walking the halls, with Ian to lean on and Christine and Karen coaching me to relax and breath through each contraction. At some point I tried to freshen up a little and lost whatever was left in my stomach, but all in all I was handling things okay. By midday I was making slow but sure progress, but since I had been sick, they decided to give me a little IV fluid. I had to stay in the room for a while to get the liter of fluid. That's about when who should come walking through the door but my dear sister Jessica, straight from the airport. How how happy I was to see her! She brought that extra dose of love and cheer into the room that she always brings with her. After the fluid, I was up again walking the halls to try to get things going. The contractions had slowed down somewhat, so I was trying to stay upright as much as possible. The nurse would check the baby's heart rate periodically, and on one check the rate dropped lower than they like. There were no further incidents, however, so they let me keep walking around. Around 5 or so in the evening my doctor arrived from her office and checked my progress. I was only up to a "big 6, a 7 when I was contracting." That was so discouraging! I so wanted my nurse Karen to be the one helping me push this baby out!

On a little side note, I have to mention that during this time (Wednesday evening) six tornadoes were touching down in the Dallas metroplex area. Part of labor and delivery had to be evacuated. Thankfully we didn't have to move because there were no windows in our room. Remember the Utah tornado? It touched down the day after our wedding. Now six tornadoes the night before Lillian was born. Weird.

So anyway, after that evening check, the doctor strongly suggested starting some pitocin to get things moving again since my contractions were still farther apart than they should have been. They started me on a very low dose and assured me that it should not make things more painful then they would have been anyway approaching this stage of labor. The bummer was I was now again stuck to the fetal monitors continuously. By this time, my new nurse, Heidi, (who was also heaven-sent) had taken over my care. The contractions finally started to pick back up again. During one contraction, my doula had me lay back and onto my side and asked me to take big breaths. I soon learned why when the nurse and doctor came running back into the room. The baby's heart rate had dropped again. They had me stay on my side and I had to wear an oxygen mask. The doctor said the baby wasn't tolerating the stronger contractions with the pitocin. They turned it off again, then started it back again slowly, increasing the rate ever so slightly about every half hour or so. With each increase, the nurse would have me turn to the other side, but that's the only movement I was allowed. The baby's heart rate dropped a couple more times, but came back up quickly.

At this point, late in the evening of Wednesday, I was exhausted, unable to move, on oxygen, and was very tired of this whole contraction thing. I finally decided I had had enough. I remember very vividly Jessica holding my hand and leaning over me. The doctor and Ian were at the foot of my bed. I whispered to Jess that I didn't want to do anymore. I was finally ready for some pain relief. Ian leaned over my other side and told me I had nothing to prove to anyone and it was okay to be done. Even my doula said I had worked hard for a long time and it was time to be able to relax. So I asked for the epidural. I think the doctor was relieved with my decision. My doctor was a real trooper through this. She wanted to give me every chance she could to not be induced and to go natural, even though all this made her stay for a much longer night than perhaps would have been the case. I'm very grateful to her. So anyhoo, finally the anesthesiologist arrived and quickly administered the epidural. It felt so very weird, but I finally was able to relax. This also allowed them to really crank up the pitocin to see if things would finally progress.

They continued to ramp up the pitocin and turn me every half hour or so. I was in a bit of a blur at this point. Finally around midnight the doctor came in to check me again. I was still only 7 cm dilated. The doctor said we had come to the end. We needed to get the baby out. So we decided to move forward with the c-section. They came in to turn up my epidural and prep me for surgery, and Ian got into his cute OR scrubs and hat.

(Ian trying to look convincing as an MD.)

Then they wheeled me into the OR.


What a strange and surreal experience! Mostly I remember shaking uncontrollably through the whole thing because of the epidural. Ian sat by my head until curiosity got the better of him and he stood up to watch the progress of the surgery.

Finally, a little after 1 am she was out. She needed a lot of cleaning and suctioning because there was meconium staining, but she was declared well and healthy and was soon in Ian's arms. The longest part of everything was sewing me back up. At long last we were done though and they put her in my arms and wheeled me into recovery where I got to snuggle her and really look at her for the first time. Oh how long I had waited to have a sweet baby in my arms! I was so very tired and couldn't believe I was actually holding my own baby in my arms. It had certainly been a long few days, and things didn't turn out anything like I had imagined, but I was just so grateful to have a sweet healthy baby and was touched by the compassion and good service of my nurses, doctor, and anesthetists. I felt nothing but gratitude and felt content in the decisions we had made throughout the process.

Lillian and me in recovery

So the rest of Thursday continued to be long and frustrating, full of trying to walk, trying to eat (still not going so well) and trying to breastfeed (also not going so well), but by Friday, Lillian and I were both doing better and were both finally able to eat and rest. The rest of our hospital stay was uneventful and we continued to improve. It was actually kind of nice to hang out in our own little cocoon with Ian and Jess for company and nice nurses checking in on us from time to time.



But reality must intrude!

Now we are home managing feeding, diapers, not so much sleeping, and of course those ever changing hormones. It's only taken me a week to write this, I really can't imagine how I will ever actually manage to leave my apartment again, and I ache to have my sister living next door, but I'm sure things will get easier.

Right?

Well there you have it, in much more detail than you wanted I'm sure. Thanks to anyone who actually read this ridiculously long post the whole way through. Our adventure continues!

More Lillian Pics

Lillian Ruth: Born 9/9/10 at 1:27A

This is Ian posting on behalf of my far tougher, stronger, insane, better half as she is still unable to spare any of the two busy hands needed to type this.

The story is long but I will be brief as I have no right as a man to even pretend like I understand the events that have transpired over these past few days. In fact, there are really only three things I know for sure. One, I really am lucky to carry the XY chromosomal pairing. Two, my wife could end my life if she ever so pleased; after what I witnessed, I will never cross that woman. And finally, I don't deserve such perfections.

Here are a few pics (and the obvious stats), with more to come as things settle down.

Stats: 7 lbs, 10 oz, 21" long.

And....

Nothing.


Still waiting.


I have decided, though, that this baby girl, besides being very stubborn (like Daddy perhaps?), also has a sense of humor and must be in cahoots with the man upstairs. You see a while back I was inspired by good cousin Abby and her scripture reading goal. I decided that I would make the goal to read the entire Book of Mormon in my third trimester. I did fairly well at first, but true to form, I have dropped off in the last month or so. As my due date came, I found I still had the last books, Ether and Moroni, to finish. I've decided that our baby girl wasn't going to let me out of finishing my goal, so this morning I sat my little hiney down and finished the rest of the book. Oh how grateful I am for the Book of Mormon! I am grateful for the clear testimony of Jesus Christ that it contains and I'm so grateful for the innumerable sacrifices of those that labored to bring it forth for our behalf.


So baby girl, I finished. Now will you come?

Current Status

Estimated due date: Today!! (You hear that baby? Today, today!)
Current temp: 83 and raining (Oh sweet relief!)
High temp last week: 107
Ankles: Introducing the new spokesperson for StayPuff
Work: I am outta there!
Progress towards labor: None, zip, zilch, zippo

My legs are shaved, the bathrooms are clean, and there is still food in the fridge. Come on baby, now would be really good.

Code text for Ian if he is in class when labor starts:
Thundercats HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Don't hold your breath. We'll let you know.