My Angel

I was looking back at some old posts and read the one about how I was waiting for the Lil' Pill to become my little angel. Well--the angel has arrived. Complete with wings.

"I will never do that when I have kids"

Tonight I was one of those people. I went to do my grocery shopping, unshowered and unmakuped with my baby in tow. She was in a mismatched outfit, with a crusty nose, spit-up on her shirt and carrots in her eyebrows. At least she was wearing socks. And pants.

At the store I was carrying her around in my baby carrier so she could look around at what's going on and babble at passers-by. And you know, she's starting to get kind of heavy. While I was going around a corner, I noticed some pretzels that I liked better than the bag I already had in my cart. And do you know what I did? I traded them, right then and there and put the other bag where it doesn't belong. I never do that! I hate being responsible for putting things where they don't belong. So sorry shelf-stocker people, the baby was heavy and it was getting very close to bed time.

I will add that the trip to the store actually ended very pleasantly. I never accept help from the baggers to take stuff to my car. I always feel so awkward and I have no talent for small talk. But while I was muscling stuff into my car, baby still on chest, some boys walked by and offered to put the heavy stuff in the car for me. How nice! I love nice people. And on the ride home Beethoven's 9th was on the radio. That put me in such a good mood that the impatient Dallas drivers only made me a little bit annoyed.

And now I'm home, the baby is carrot free and sleeping and my fridge is full. Happy day!

(Doesn't she look happy to be home? Just promise me you won't look too long or closely at this picture.)

Legacy

I miss my Mom. Pretty much every day. It's usually something a little different every day that I miss her for. Like yesterday for instance--it was one of those days when I feel like I'm lousy at pretty much everything and most people I know are really just pretending to actually like me (why do we tell ourselves such things anyway?). I really could have used a phone call to Mom so she could remind me how wonderful she thinks I am. Self-deprecations aside, however, I have been thinking a lot about Mom and the legacy she left us, her children. I told Mom before she passed away (perhaps a little selfishly) that I was terrified at the thought of raising children without her around. But though she's gone, she did leave us with a lifetime of lessons I can share with my own children.

One thing I have of hers that helps me keep her close and reminds me of the person she was is her silver ring.

Many of you may recognize it. She got it in Denmark when my oldest brother was just a baby. I never knew her to be without this ring. When I was younger I used to like to study Mom's hands. I remember sitting in church and I would look at her hands and rub my finger on the smooth surface of the silver. Her hands represented to me much of what she was. They were soft, gentle, and calming, and yet there was plain evidence on them that they worked hard. A callus here and there, or a little left over stain from working in the yard the day before. I love to look at the ring and think of what it's accomplished on those hands. The bottom of it is worn very smooth, and there are little scratches all over it. Each scratch gained individually over a lifetime of wearing it everywhere. Even the sound of the ring hitting a counter triggers a memory of Mom for me. Sometimes now, especially when I'm doing something for Lil, I see it through the corner of my eye and I like to think of Mom's hands doing something similar for me when I was a baby. It's a small token, but it helps me feel like she's close by and it helps me remember that what I know of love, patience, endurance, and tenacity, I learned first from her. Thank you, Mom, for the life and legacy you lived for your children. I love you.