Halloween Greetings

I Heart Prevacid

That's the title of the post I've been planning to write for the past week. It was all about how the prevacid (anti-reflux medicine) that our pediatrician prescribed last week all of the sudden turned my baby into the angel child I know is in there somewhere. How it made her cry much less and actually eat for longer than five minutes before she started screaming. The doctor, darn him, didn't seem real optimistic that it would work (my baby have colic?! Certainly not!). He said give it a week and if things really were better, then go ahead and continue it. I so wanted to prove to him that I knew what was wrong with my child better than he did.

So...is it working? Honestly, I really can't say. Things do seem to be better, but I'm not sure whether its from the med, or just that she's growing and that we have come to a better understanding between the two of us. She does seem to be crying a lot less and now she eats for 10 minutes before she starts screaming. I've been reading that some experts don't think anti-reflux medicine does much for infants and it has not been well studied in infants younger than one. I'm tempted to take her off of it again and see if there really is a difference. The only problem is that if it really is working that will mean she will get worse--again. Hmm. Oh the dilemmas of motherhood.

Take this dilemma for instance. You're in the shower, you've got one leg shaved, and the baby starts screaming from her crib. Do you hurry and shave the other leg or do you give it up for a lost cause and run to the baby?

I shaved the other leg.

You may well ask why I am even bothering to shave occasionally (sorry, I've suddenly realized I've gone on and on about shaving on my blog. This is a new low.). Well it's all a part of my ruse to make myself feel like a normal woman again. I find it easier to enjoy my now not so swollen ankles if they are not really hairy.

Speaking of feeling normal, I've been thinking about how I have to face going back to work soon. I am so dreading this hurdle. One, because it's, well, work. But most of all because no one should get to spend the whole day with my baby but Ian or I. Oh the thought just hurts. Yesterday I was thinking how it still kind of feels like I'm playing house, but then next month I will have to go back to work and back to normal life again and I will have to give my sweet baby back. Luckily, life won't get back to that particular normal (i.e. I get to keep the baby). Once again, we'll just have to figure out a new normal. Thinking about all this makes me very tired. Enough about normalcy.

So lest I give the wrong impression, it's not all crying and fussing around here. Enjoy her smiles...I sure do.



P.S. What's everyone making for dinner tonight? I seriously need ideas.

Retraction

Yesterday may have been a fluke.

Yep.

Definitely a fluke.

I am Mother, Hear Me Roar

My cute daughter that cries all of the time has suddenly become much more agreeable as of yesterday. Now let's hear some knocking on wood from all across the country and pray that yesterday was not a fluke!

Yesterday was a big one. Li'L Miss and I went for a walk, then went to the post office, Party City, AND Target. Stand back everyone, I've left the apartment and I'm on a role! I even bought a pair of jeans. Not cute, skinny jeans of course, but they're certainly a step up from sweats. The waist of said jeans is way higher than is strictly decent in my opinion, but at least my belly isn't bulging over the top of them like it would be with my more typical low-rise variety. I hope I remember to do up my fly--it's been a while.

To Know One's Self

It's difficult to believe it's already been a whole month since the two of us became three. With lots of nursing and rocking to sleep going on, there has certainly been some time for reflection. Being able to add "Mom" to my list of titles is without doubt the greatest joy of my life, but I do have to say that the last month has been, in a word---hard. There's quite a long list of things that make this transition hard, including an overwhelming sense of having no idea what I'm doing and feeling very cut off from society, though that is getting slowly better.

The whole sleep deprivation thing actually isn't the worst part for me. Yes, I am so very tired, but I never really have been much of a sleeper, so I can get around that one mostly ok. I've always been a night owl and hate going to bed, so I really can't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep anyway. I think in my pre-baby life I didn't like going to bed because it was like admitting defeat that I wasn't going to get anything else done that day and I always get restless if I feel like I'm not being productive somehow. I also hate that whole getting ready for bed ritual--I find brushing teeth, washing my face, etc. etc highly annoying.

Speaking of getting things done, I guess that would be one of the hard things about new Mommy-hood for me. My list of accomplishments in a day is far less tanglible now. Not a bad thing I suppose, just takes some getting used to. I still find myself getting restless and racking my brain trying to think of other things I should be getting done. On the up side, I now count eating, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting the baby dressed as accomplishments. And really, how bad can it be I suppose if my to-do list includes staring at this face?


If you will allow me to be very shallow, I will also have to admit that a hard thing about all this is I feel so utterly unattractive. Everyone in the world will tell you you shouldn't worry about that sort of thing after having a baby and people will always say things like "oh you look great for having just had a baby" (they always put that qualifier in there), but lets face it ladies, who doesn't wish they were the exception and just looked prepregnancy normal again only weeks after the baby comes? I hate that I don't fit into any of my clothes. I only have two pairs of pants that even fit, and they both have elastic waistbands. Even most of my shoes still don't fit. For someone that absolutely abhors shopping, I mean really abhors it, the thought of having to somehow squeeze a shopping trip into the three hour window between feedings to buy clothes bigger than I've had to before and that I hope to not need for very long is totally crappy. If I want to go anywhere besides the grocery store, I really do not have anything to wear and I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Grrr. Like I said, shallow, but true, and a daily annoyance.

Really though, looking back on the last month, I would have to define it by a sense of not-quite-rightness. It's a feeling that's hard to explain. I think the closest thing to compare it to would be that I've felt homesick for a month, but that's not really what it is. In part, this feeling can of course be explained by my longing for my family that is far away and by missing my Mom, oh and of course hormones I suppose, but that's not quite it either. I have come to recognize this feeling whenever I'm in the middle of a major life change. I think this time I've finally figured out what it is. We all know that change, even good change, is hard to go through. I think this is because, invariably, changes in life make us think more about ourselves, and also create changes within ourselves. Major life events are always going to turn you into a slightly different person, hopefully a better one. I think this feeling of homesickness is just my subconscious way of reconciling myself to the person I'm leaving behind and accepting the new person I am becoming. Megan the Mom is always going to be different than the Megan, just a wife. Hard to do yes, but gosh I'm so glad I get the chance to become a new me. This baby of ours is just so darn cute! With her around I think I'm in for a lifetime of becoming a new me, hopefully a better one every day.